Graduating

I'm freaking out right now...
I have applied to so many different scholarships... And I have heard back from exactly one! And it was a "No."
I'm going to a $20,000 a year college. I'm freaking out...
What am I going to do!?!? I want to become a teacher!
I'm hoping that I can try to graduate early, maybe even a year early. I have a lot of my college classes taken.
If there is a way not to freak out about this can someone help me?
I know that no one ever reads this, but I mean, I'm freaking out...
Help!

Have I mentioned I am a Senior?

I am a senior! I have nine months left in this hell hole. Then I get to escape! I get to go to U.T. and live my dream out in the real world!
I can't wait! People always say "enjoy your childhood", however, eventhough many would disagree, my childhood is over! I'm 18! I have a job, I lots of money saved up. I am by myself already. I'm handling a long distance, not too long, relationship with Kevin... He's home for the weekend, and I think I jump for joy everytime I think of it... I miss him when he's gone, Hell, I miss him now! I have no school tomorrow, but I have work early, I really don't want to go in, but it's money. I mean it's a long day, an extra 8 dollars on my next pay.
I can't wait for this year to be over, I'll be in Orlando visiting Kevin, not the other way around, and it will be... Intresting...If we are still together of course, but he says he loves me, and I love him, so who knows how long this teenage love will go on. I would have never thought that I would have this long over a year relationship with someone, but it had to happen, I'm just lucky it was with Kevin...
I can't wait for these last 10 months to get over with... Wish me good luck!

Relationships...

So, I haven't posted anything in more than three months... It seems a lot longer than just three months... They really reason that I want to post now is about my relationship with Kevin. Two days ago it was our 11 month... That's supposed to be awesome right? Yesterday Kevin and I... Went farther than we have even gone... I don't know why I'm acting so shy about this, this is on a privacy lock.. He fingered me. And before that we practically had sex with our clothes on. I know he liked the sex with clothes on part. But it was just weird about the other thing... I mean... No one has ever gone down there, I mean, sure no one’s ever touched my boobs like he has, but everyone knows that down there is sacred. I don't know, it feels as if Kevin’s trying to spice things up, do new things, and I'm perfectly fine with continuing to make out on the couch, with him only touching my ass and boobs.

When I took him home, it was really awkward... It was like we just had sex and neither of us knew what to say... I tried to talk, but he didn't talk... Then when we got to his house, he tried to finger me again; it was a complete mess... And he said that he wanted me to teach him how to do it. How the hell am I supposed to know? And I just said we'll try another time, when we aren’t in a car. And he apologized and left... Left me there to button my pants back up and to put on my belt... Right then I felt like my morals were gone... But what morals is that?

My thoughts going into this relationship was that by now we would be having sex. But the more I think about it, where would we have sex? I'm happy he doesn't actually try to take off my pants, I mean, he really thinks things through.

I'm sure, if we are still together, we will start having sex when he goes off to college. We will probably meet up somewhere, or maybe his roommate will be gone...

I don't regret doing those things last night; I don't, because I believe it's time to try to go out of our comfort zone. I mean, sure it's going to feel weird, and be a change, but we are both very inexperienced virgins! We are the furthest we ever gotten with each other, and with anyone else!

And after I dropped him off, I texted him, and he said that he thinks we should take a step back... Which doesn't make too much sense to me, because if his gut feeling is telling him not to do something, but at the very last moment that we have in the car with each other, he does it anyways? It doesn't make much sense to me. But then he could also be talking about how we made out... But he was totally into it! One thing I'm not so sure about is how he thinks about sex... I don't know if he thinks we should wait until marriage, (which would be weird to do everything else non-Christian like, with the expectation of sex.) or if he thinks that it's just too risky trying to have sex with our parents in a room next to us.

All I know is after last night, I'm confused, and for some reason, I'm thinking that I am ready for sex. And I thought that Kevin was on the same page as me...

I need to talk to someone. Someone who won't judge, someone that would understand... But of course, I can't really think of a single person... I mean, Brittany would die if she ever even knew I make out on top of him. Selena,  it would be a bit awkward, like when I tried to talk to her about the grabbing of the boobs... It would be more than mega awkward to try to talk about fingering! Jasymn, maybe, if I could veer get a hold of her, but that would be awkward as well. Who could I talk to who wouldn't be awkward with? Amanda? She would tell Rachel and Lexi though... And probably Brittany. Brittany would then start to hate Kevin even more, and probably even me. I also thought of Alexis, but there would never be the time to talk to her, without getting the rest of the yearbook people involved. Michael’s out of the picture, he'd run tell his mom, and he would go crazy knowing what Kevin and I actually do. I can't just call up Rachel or Kelsey to tell them about my sex life... But they would be the best people to talk to, they would try to laugh about it. But they would at least offer some good advice... I could actually call Sam though... She would completely not judge me, but that would only be half of it, getting it off my chest. Not the other part which I still need, it what to do...

I don't know. I'm probably screwed at this point.

My heart is racing...

So, I know that I over think so many thinks... And I probably worry about things too much, especially things that I shouldn't have to worry about.. So, why do I worry about things like seeing pictures of Kevin with another girl? And it's not even Angela... And he has his arm around her shoulders... Like he does with me... Which doesn't help me not worry about this... Her name is Hunter... And he has a huge smile on his face... That he says is fake, but it doesn't look fake, and then she said that it wasn't fake, and that he followed her around all night like a puppy... I don't know where they are at or even who the hell this girl is...
Todays our 8 months... Why am I so... Worried?! I shouldn't have anything to worry about... He wants to go to UCF to be closer to me... I think... Missing out on his dream school: UF.
Oh and of course, this Hunter girl is friends with Angela, too. She probably introduced her to him...
But this is silly right? I shouldn't have to worry about this, he talks about moving up north with eachother, and actually talks about how he can get a job anywhere, and that we could go places with eachother, and he wants to go to Europe...
He talks about the future... The future of us.... That has to mean something, right?
I love him... So, I worry. I shouldn't worry... Because he loves me.

December is hot...

So, it's Christmas eve. And I went on a bike ride with Kevin yesterday, and it just... Kinda went sour at first, because he asked if I was doing anything New Years, (so he started this.) and I said no, and we had already dicussed this before, so I don't understand why he brought this up again. And he said that he was planning on going to a party, and was going to try to get the host to envite me, even though he thought that wasn't going to happen. I asked why, he said he didn't want to say, I asked if it was Angelas party, he said yes.
Ugh. I hate her...
So, I told him that she didn't like me, and he said that she just doesn't like us together (which is retarded). And he's retarded, because he doesn't understand how a girl doesn't just not like the couple, they don't like the person who makes the couple.
So we sat down, then I asked, if she didn't like us together then why would she envite us to her stupid Mormon prom. (because those exsist you know.) and he was like "well that a little  a way, maybe she thinks she'll be over it by then." I'm thinking "It's been seven months... If Jacob had a girlfriend for even three months, I would have started to let go and tried to move on. I wouldn't still be falling all over him after he was dating someone for seven months!" So, Kevin then said that there was a dress code to the prom, and I said huh, because why wouldn't they. So if I was to go, I would have to wear a dress that covered my shoulders and is down to my knees. I said I didn't have either of those, and asked if we had to go. He then said that I didn't have to go but that he was sgoing to go either way. Which doesn't really make me happy. I asked him why, and he said that it was because he almost always go with her to these things. Awesome, right?
So, I think that, because in the summer he said I could get him to do anything, when it get closer to that date, I'll either tell him that he's not going to go on a date with his ex-girlfriend, or get him to agree with just hanging out together, because we could do more at one of our houses rather than at a stupid mormon prom. In the end, I'll probably get want I want. Or I might not have a boyfriend then, because of that. He frustrates me sometimes... Of how he might actually pick her. I don't understand how he could have picked me over her seven months ago, but when is comes seven months later, he defends her... I'm starting to question us... Which I hate doing, but it's not my fault, it's his...

Pre-Homecoming Jitters?

Tomorrow is Homecoming... And the first Homecoming that I actually have a date... I'm kind of worried how it will turn out...
And only bad things that have happened so far:
1. Today I actually found out that Jacob is going with Kaitlyn... But I was really only envious over it for like 60 seconds. I then finally realized that I want Jacob to be happy. And as long as it's not Angela, I'm perfectly happy with him having a date for homecoming.
2. Last week Kevin talked to me saying that someone told him that purple and silver match, so instead of him getting a tie that will 'clash' (This other 'persons' words), he should get silver!
- Major problems with this: MY DRESS IS NOT PURPLE! IT'S HOT PINK. I don't know how many times he has to hear it or even SEE it!
-I first almost blew my top off while saying "My jelwrey is GOLD. You arn't going to be wearing a SILVER tie with me having GOLD jelwrey on!" Then I started to think That my dress isn't purple. Then I started to think that silver and purple do not match up at all, which leads us to the third problem:
-I asked who told him to do that. He said "I female friend" FML. Fucking Angela got to him. Why the hell is he talking to Angela about homecoming anyways?!?!? And why would he even CONSIDER listening to HER over ME??? Reasons he should listen to me:
1. I'm his GIRLFRIEND.
2. I'm the one who has been to homecoming twice already, she hasn't even been once.
3. Angela HATES me! She would purposly sabatose us when we have the chance to look cute as a couple, by saying that we should 'match' but not match at all!
4. I'M HIS GIRLFRIEND!

Valid reasons right?
Right now I'm trying not to stress.
I'm worried how tomorrow will turn out. I doubt he'll be wanting to make out the whole time, which could be a good thing. But I don't know how we will end up dancing together...
Lets just say my jitters haven't came yet. And I'm not that excited for homecoming...

The Perfect Weekend

So, Kevin and I went biking twice this weekend. We went biking Saturday and Monday. Saturday we went to his park and hung out there. We pushed me on the swing. So cute. So, I jumped off, after he told me not to and I scratched my knee on the mulch.

When we went biking Monday, we went to a different park and climbed a tree, a lot of people there then I thought there would be. We then sat on a bench and talked then we went to his house and drank some water. Then went back to the first park we went to Saturday. And we went down the slide and we sat there for the entire time... I was laying my head on his knee and almost fell asleep... He would have let me too... We were probably there for an hour or more... Just sitting there talking... Kissing here or there, but we were, for the most part just talking... I loved it! How we could just talk!

I don't know why, but I just loe how we can do that... And he even said that was his favorite part too...
I love Kevin so much... And yesterday I really reliezed that I am falling in love with him... Which isn't horrible...