So, I haven't posted anything in more than three months... It seems a lot longer than just three months... They really reason that I want to post now is about my relationship with Kevin. Two days ago it was our 11 month... That's supposed to be awesome right? Yesterday Kevin and I... Went farther than we have even gone... I don't know why I'm acting so shy about this, this is on a privacy lock.. He fingered me. And before that we practically had sex with our clothes on. I know he liked the sex with clothes on part. But it was just weird about the other thing... I mean... No one has ever gone down there, I mean, sure no one’s ever touched my boobs like he has, but everyone knows that down there is sacred. I don't know, it feels as if Kevin’s trying to spice things up, do new things, and I'm perfectly fine with continuing to make out on the couch, with him only touching my ass and boobs.
When I took him home, it was really awkward... It was like we just had sex and neither of us knew what to say... I tried to talk, but he didn't talk... Then when we got to his house, he tried to finger me again; it was a complete mess... And he said that he wanted me to teach him how to do it. How the hell am I supposed to know? And I just said we'll try another time, when we aren’t in a car. And he apologized and left... Left me there to button my pants back up and to put on my belt... Right then I felt like my morals were gone... But what morals is that?
My thoughts going into this relationship was that by now we would be having sex. But the more I think about it, where would we have sex? I'm happy he doesn't actually try to take off my pants, I mean, he really thinks things through.
I'm sure, if we are still together, we will start having sex when he goes off to college. We will probably meet up somewhere, or maybe his roommate will be gone...
I don't regret doing those things last night; I don't, because I believe it's time to try to go out of our comfort zone. I mean, sure it's going to feel weird, and be a change, but we are both very inexperienced virgins! We are the furthest we ever gotten with each other, and with anyone else!
And after I dropped him off, I texted him, and he said that he thinks we should take a step back... Which doesn't make too much sense to me, because if his gut feeling is telling him not to do something, but at the very last moment that we have in the car with each other, he does it anyways? It doesn't make much sense to me. But then he could also be talking about how we made out... But he was totally into it! One thing I'm not so sure about is how he thinks about sex... I don't know if he thinks we should wait until marriage, (which would be weird to do everything else non-Christian like, with the expectation of sex.) or if he thinks that it's just too risky trying to have sex with our parents in a room next to us.
All I know is after last night, I'm confused, and for some reason, I'm thinking that I am ready for sex. And I thought that Kevin was on the same page as me...
I need to talk to someone. Someone who won't judge, someone that would understand... But of course, I can't really think of a single person... I mean, Brittany would die if she ever even knew I make out on top of him. Selena, it would be a bit awkward, like when I tried to talk to her about the grabbing of the boobs... It would be more than mega awkward to try to talk about fingering! Jasymn, maybe, if I could veer get a hold of her, but that would be awkward as well. Who could I talk to who wouldn't be awkward with? Amanda? She would tell Rachel and Lexi though... And probably Brittany. Brittany would then start to hate Kevin even more, and probably even me. I also thought of Alexis, but there would never be the time to talk to her, without getting the rest of the yearbook people involved. Michael’s out of the picture, he'd run tell his mom, and he would go crazy knowing what Kevin and I actually do. I can't just call up Rachel or Kelsey to tell them about my sex life... But they would be the best people to talk to, they would try to laugh about it. But they would at least offer some good advice... I could actually call Sam though... She would completely not judge me, but that would only be half of it, getting it off my chest. Not the other part which I still need, it what to do...
I don't know. I'm probably screwed at this point.
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